


Spit

by yeaka



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Don't Read This, M/M, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 11:30:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21035540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeaka/pseuds/yeaka
Summary: Bones doesn’t get paid anywhere near enough.





	Spit

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own Star Trek or any of its contents, and I’m not making any money off this.

As soon as Jim suggests, “Let’s go to your office,” Leonard knows they’re about to discuss something he doesn’t want to hear. If Jim weren’t his captain and best friend, he’d probably chase them both out of his sickbay, because the way Spock keeps averting his eyes is a giant red flag. Leonard knows precisely how difficult it is to shake _Spock_, of all people. It’s very clear that Spock doesn’t want to be following the other two into the chief medical officer’s back office, but he does so anyway. Leonard can only assume this is vitally important. He still doesn’t want to hear it.

Jim makes a note of telling the computer, “Lock Dr. McCoy’s office doors.” The computer beeps its response, and they all hear the hidden metal clicking into place. Leonard crosses his arms and waits for his doom.

Jim hesitates. That’s another bad sign. Spock stands particularly rigid, hands folded behind his back, eyes on the back of the room. Jim finally starts: “We need you to settle something for us.”

Leonard grunts, “It better be medical.”

“It is.”

Leonard arches a brow. Jim shuffles his feet, clears his throat, and asks, “Is Vulcan semen safe for oral ingestion?”

Leonard blinks. He appreciates Jim’s carefully clinical phrasing, but he’s still horrified. And scandalized. It’s not that bodily fluids irk Leonard. Of course not. He’s a doctor. _Spock’s_ bodily fluids going into _Jim’s_ mouth are a whole other story. Leonard’s brain shuts down out of self-defense, so he doesn’t answer right away.

Jim fills in, “Look, I know you don’t want to hear this, but Spock gets genuinely concerned every time I swallow. But it’s just easier that way, and frankly, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with it. Unfortunately, you know how the Vulcans are with their propriety. I tried searching this up myself before coming to you, believe me, but I just wasn’t getting anywhere.”

Technically, M’Benga is the Vulcan medical expert aboard the Enterprise. But Leonard understands why Jim wouldn’t have gone to anyone else over this. No one else needs to be haunted by nightmares of the captain and first officer making out like Leonard’s seen. He already knows. He couldn’t _not_ know. He knows them both too well, but at the moment, he really wishes he knew them less. 

Despite what must be his best efforts, Spock’s cheeks are green. Without looking at either of them, he deadpans, “Vulcan ejaculation is an irritant to the lining of the stomach. It would be helpful, Doctor, if you were to inform the captain of that fact.”

“_The captain_ has never had a stomach ache after blowing you,” Jim cuts in, eyeing Spock. Then his cheeks flush too, and he coughs. “Sorry, Bones.”

No amount of sorrys could fix this. Leonard takes a deep breath. Jim’s right that much of the Vulcans’ medical information is difficult to find in official channels. He wishes he didn’t know the answer to this particular inquiry.

But he had an unfortunate night in a San Francisco bar with a number of Vulcan residents over a large mint julep. So he can tell Jim—and only Jim, because he’ll never meet Spock’s eyes again—“As far as I understand it, Vulcan... _that_... is only incompatible with _Vulcan_ stomach lining. For most other species, including humans, it’s perfectly safe.”

Jim’s cheek dimples—he’s probably biting the inside of his mouth to keep from grinning. He says, “Thanks, Bones.”

“Don’t mention it. _Ever._”

Jim chuckles and nods. He reaches for Spock, but Spock’s already heading for the door. Jim has to tell it, “Open.” Then Spock’s gone, and soon, Jim is too.

Leonard rubs his eyes and wonders if another mint julep could possibly scrub those last few minutes from his brain.


End file.
